ShawnPurvis.com

I’ve been accused of being condescending and elitist. I’m openly shameless and self absorbed, but even I had to take a moment from my busy job of loving the wonder that is Shawn Purvis this week and pause for the people of Haiti.

Here is a country whose political landscape has been rife with turmoil and violence. A country so embittered by poverty that it’s citizens are risking life and limb to become the new illegal in the United States. A country that was struck by not one, but two devastating earthquakes this month. That breaks my heart.

That’s akin to adding torrential flooding to the abuse of power in Kenya or avalanche to the atrocities of Tibet. It’s just a really dark lining on an already dark storm cloud.

In these times of grief, it is common to turn from our political leaders and rely on the advice of our religious leaders. Normally, it is our religious leaders who will open their arms, welcome in the suffering and try to explain to people that God or at least the followers of God understand that He rains down his mercies on the just and unjust alike.

That was not true this week. At the bottom of this post is a clip of a rather major religious leader who equates Haiti’s pact with the devil to remove the French as a reason for these unhappy events in Haiti. He goes further to state that a return to God will free them from these terrible afflictions.

Have you ever felt like Ryu or Ken from Street Fighter as they were powering up for a fireball? I am. Right now.

I’ve long ago dismissed a large portion of the religious right as being completely out of their mind. This situation is no exception. In fact, the very teachings of the Bible will show that a closeness with God often equates in poverty and suffering. Jesus lived his time on earth as a poor man, a cast off from society. He associated with the outcasts. Job was considered the most unshakable in his faith, so God gave authority to the Devil to torture him. Peter was crucified. John was beheaded. Being close to God typically means that your day is not going to be a sunny one,

However, through all of this suffering, there is supposed to be an unshakable spirit within emboldened by the experience to show the believer that riches and easy living are not as valuable as inner riches and spiritual steadfastness. Leaders in this belief should be REINFORCING this concept not equating economical success and avoidance of natural disaster with distance from God.

How do I know this? My mother is one of the most steadfast Christians I know. So much so that we often have serious disconnects on how things should work in the world of ours. My mother is not wealthy and she in not in great health, but if you ask her how she is doing, her spirit is unshaken. “I’m holding on to Jesus,” she says without flinching or missing a beat.

Is it possible that my mother is a better leader of faith than the popular Pat Robertson? Is it possible that a woman who has survived the Jimmy Swaggerts and Jim Bakers of this movement has more character than all of them put together?

I would say yes.

Let’s not be quick to judge an entire nation by their distance from God. America is one of the most successful nations in the world and yet depending on the day, America is either ‘blessed’ or ‘cursed’ by God. When Katrina hit, was Louisiana suffering from their prevalence of Voodoo or debauchery? By his own admission, Pat cites the Dominican Republic as being a typed of blessed. Where was that blessing six years ago when mudslides killed people in both Haiti and the Dominican Republic? Where was the favor deserved from closeness with God then?

Perhaps it is just as is promised. Rain falls on the dry fields the same time is floods the fields. Winds cool down the hot day at the same time they fell trees. “Acts of God” happen to everyone and contrary to some vision of Babylon falling, it is not our closeness to God that avoids these disasters, but rather it is the resolve of our spirit regardless of these disasters that show our closeness to God.

Shame on you, Pat Robertson. You took a moment that could have inspired millions to be petty and defeatist. I have the floor on my opinion and I refuse to yield.

Reach out to someone today and show them the true nature of your spirit.

Give at the Red Cross (beware fake charities!)

Further Reading and a shameful clip

A different view

As a comedian, I’m often asked where I get my material (well, most people assume that I’ll use our current drunken fiasco…). Comedy comes from the world around me. Friends, work, family, hopes, dreams…and sometimes movies.

I love a good movie because for the most part, I’m a theatrical imbecile. Suspension of disbelief? Nay! I am a drooling, mouth breathing heroin addict on the other end of Hollywood’s warming spoon of drivel.

Blair Witch Project scared the shit out of me (with good cause…I grew up where it was filmed). Matrix thrilled me. Fight Club inspired me. Ok. Gigli was stupid, but the cameo by Walken was damn near orgasmic.

I even enjoy the bad films. Rocky Horror Picture Show was redeemed because Tim Curry is always a treat, even in drag). I’ve only had issue with three films to date and they were so obvious, it was disturbing. (more on that in a minute).

I have found my new delicious treat: www.Cracked.com. Amazing articles that punch holes in the most obvious (not to the ‘tards like me). Here’s a great one that I just chortled at quite obscenely:

5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do

Check them out! The writing is succinct and sarcastic and downright, well, brilliant! As contrasted by the writing in say, Gigli. Although, I often say ‘bless you’ to my penis whenever a pretty lady walks by.

Now, as to the three movies with which I have had serious issue….

#3 – Sleepwalkers

To date, this is the only film that I have ever walked out of. Stephen King is a master of stories and the spirit vampires that can’t handle cats are amazing. But when the dude banged his mom the second time, I was out. I snuck in to White Men Can’t Jump and relished in its blatant stereotypical medley of ‘too cool for school’ black guy, ‘worthless gambler’ white guy and ‘too fussy to want to sex up’ brown girl. I’ll take obvious United Nation blender over creepy soul-sucking incest any day…

#2 – Epic Movie

I love Jennifer Coolidge and could watch her paint her toenails, but even her snow-capped mountains could not save perhaps the worst parody ever (this was before I saw Meet the Spartans). While I understand that a parody should be cheesy, it should be funny. It wasn’t. It became less funny than that joke your grandfather tells at every family function. The one that wasn’t funny to begin with and isn’t any funnier a hundred times later. Parodies should be close to the original and poke serious fun at horrible flaws with the original. The first Scary Movie was amazing. The franchise went horribly awry, but it still had the first one to keep it out of the running of worst ever.

We could parody Gigli…oh wait, that’s backwards. We should write the real movie that Gigli parodies.

#1 – Twilight: New Moon

I’m going to catch flack for this one, but I don’t care. I saw Twilight and while it hurt to pry my eyes open and enjoy the movie with my daughter, I could understand it. I could fathom how sparkly vampires would be interesting and that a rather dull movie could appeal to the newly pubescent crowd, but damn you Hollywood, New Moon was nothing more than Underworld without anything cool.

I was even psyched because the preview smacked of serious Underworld trappings. Werewolves fighting Vampires. Vampire fighting vampires. Whiny bitch getting hurt in a dozen ways…But no. The preview was the only decent part of the film. Much like There’s Something About Mary, the preview was the only reason to see the movie. If the preview is the only decent part of the film, then make it a short and apologize to the actors for wasting their time.

New Moon was veiled gay porn. I understand that every twelve year old girl wants two hot guys swooning over her, but it’s just celluloid lies. It showed action and not the circle jerk variety that was in that horrid pile of crap. Ladies, I hate to tell you, but in the real world, guys that look like Edward and James don’t fight over girls, they fight over where the antiques go before they lube up and wrestle.

There are few things in life as amazing and wondrous as boobs…

I saw a billboard the other day that said, “Use your unwanted fat to augment your breasts”. So I called up my skinny girlfriends and said…

It’s harvest time!

This isn’t a beer belly, this is several Double Ds in the making. I’m a boob farmer.

While it’s funny, there is a serious problem in our society today: the myth of the perfect boobs. Trust me, it’s a myth. Boobs are never perfect, but that is their perfection.

I have a very close friend who has one breast that is a bit larger than the other. She expressed the desire to get a boob job. I was stunned! Here she has amazing breasts and all she can think of is changing them, altering them, going through horribly painful surgery to make them align with some myth of the perfect pair.

There is no perfect pair. They are all perfect. Their ‘imperfection’ is what gives them character, tells a story.

If you want to know the value of asymmetry, hold a mirror up to the center line of your face and notice how different you look. I have one eye lower than the other. My nose isn’t quite centered and yet it’s me. It’s perfect and beautiful and it’s me.

Ladies, don’t fall prey to the mythos. Celebrate your perfectly shaped and wonderful gazagas. Show them off to everyone. Hell, show them to me and I will celebrate their perfection. And I will applaud them.

Enjoy them. They are meant to be enjoyed.