As a comedian, I’m often asked where I get my material (well, most people assume that I’ll use our current drunken fiasco…). Comedy comes from the world around me. Friends, work, family, hopes, dreams…and sometimes movies.
I love a good movie because for the most part, I’m a theatrical imbecile. Suspension of disbelief? Nay! I am a drooling, mouth breathing heroin addict on the other end of Hollywood’s warming spoon of drivel.
Blair Witch Project scared the shit out of me (with good cause…I grew up where it was filmed). Matrix thrilled me. Fight Club inspired me. Ok. Gigli was stupid, but the cameo by Walken was damn near orgasmic.
I even enjoy the bad films. Rocky Horror Picture Show was redeemed because Tim Curry is always a treat, even in drag). I’ve only had issue with three films to date and they were so obvious, it was disturbing. (more on that in a minute).
I have found my new delicious treat: www.Cracked.com. Amazing articles that punch holes in the most obvious (not to the ‘tards like me). Here’s a great one that I just chortled at quite obscenely:
5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do
Check them out! The writing is succinct and sarcastic and downright, well, brilliant! As contrasted by the writing in say, Gigli. Although, I often say ‘bless you’ to my penis whenever a pretty lady walks by.
Now, as to the three movies with which I have had serious issue….
#3 – Sleepwalkers
To date, this is the only film that I have ever walked out of. Stephen King is a master of stories and the spirit vampires that can’t handle cats are amazing. But when the dude banged his mom the second time, I was out. I snuck in to White Men Can’t Jump and relished in its blatant stereotypical medley of ‘too cool for school’ black guy, ‘worthless gambler’ white guy and ‘too fussy to want to sex up’ brown girl. I’ll take obvious United Nation blender over creepy soul-sucking incest any day…
#2 – Epic Movie
I love Jennifer Coolidge and could watch her paint her toenails, but even her snow-capped mountains could not save perhaps the worst parody ever (this was before I saw Meet the Spartans). While I understand that a parody should be cheesy, it should be funny. It wasn’t. It became less funny than that joke your grandfather tells at every family function. The one that wasn’t funny to begin with and isn’t any funnier a hundred times later. Parodies should be close to the original and poke serious fun at horrible flaws with the original. The first Scary Movie was amazing. The franchise went horribly awry, but it still had the first one to keep it out of the running of worst ever.
We could parody Gigli…oh wait, that’s backwards. We should write the real movie that Gigli parodies.
#1 – Twilight: New Moon
I’m going to catch flack for this one, but I don’t care. I saw Twilight and while it hurt to pry my eyes open and enjoy the movie with my daughter, I could understand it. I could fathom how sparkly vampires would be interesting and that a rather dull movie could appeal to the newly pubescent crowd, but damn you Hollywood, New Moon was nothing more than Underworld without anything cool.
I was even psyched because the preview smacked of serious Underworld trappings. Werewolves fighting Vampires. Vampire fighting vampires. Whiny bitch getting hurt in a dozen ways…But no. The preview was the only decent part of the film. Much like There’s Something About Mary, the preview was the only reason to see the movie. If the preview is the only decent part of the film, then make it a short and apologize to the actors for wasting their time.
New Moon was veiled gay porn. I understand that every twelve year old girl wants two hot guys swooning over her, but it’s just celluloid lies. It showed action and not the circle jerk variety that was in that horrid pile of crap. Ladies, I hate to tell you, but in the real world, guys that look like Edward and James don’t fight over girls, they fight over where the antiques go before they lube up and wrestle.
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